Introduction

Its 6:45PM, and little Sarah has poked her head out the door once again.  I pause my show and walk over to her.  I’m not angry or upset – I am a robot, mute and unperturbedable.  My face remains an emotionless mask as I take her by her small hand and lead her quietly to bed, tucking her in with just the right amount of tenderness, but not too much.  Then I tip toe out of her room, shut the door, and return to my Tivo. 

For the first week of two of Sarah learning to sleep through the night we had a few ‘incidences’ like the one above every evening, but then one day –like magic!—she just stayed put all night long.  It was a miracle!  We’ve never had a problem since, but if we did we would know just how to handle it.  My husband and I really are the best parents in the world.

Please, please, don’t stop reading here.  I probably would if I were you, but if you give me just another paragraph or two I can explain.

The above is what I thought child-rearing was supposed to be like. It’s what I learned in the stacks of parenting books I read, and what the SuperNanny taught me in late-night re-runs.  There are simple, tried and true methods that will work for any child… as long, of course, the parents have the fortitude and gumption to stick with it.  With the right parenting your child will take a direct route from mommy and me swimming lessons right to their graduation with a doctorate from an Ivy League university.  It’s easy!

I suppose I should give credit to those few parenting books who admit that not every method will work for every child.  In most cases this is a single line or two of “oops, sorry, it seems Heaven bequeathed you some really cute monsters.  Good luck.”

I happen to own one or two of those children.  The eldest, Sarah, is currently three and a half.  When she is happy she is elated, ecstatic, almost past the point of reason.  Her verbage becomes high pitched and consists mainly of incoherent shrieks of glee.   On the other end of the spectrum are grumpy fits of torrential anger, completely untouched by the feared and time-honored “time outs.”  She screams and tears and destroys and spits and sulks like, I thought, only teenagers were capable.  The middle ground of this teeter-totter of behavior is less often seen.  I’ve seen toddlers sit quietly next to their mothers for five or ten minutes at a time, but have yet to ever few such behavior in my own little Sarah Sunshine.

Evee started out calm and peaceful, but she’s been learning lessons at Sarah’s feet on how to push mom’s buttons and destroy all in her path.  She is a good little padawan.

Thankfully, they love as fiercely as they fight, making the good moments that much better.  

Given this background information, I’m sure you’ve surmised by now that the little story at the top of the page is none other than a big, fat lie.  Do Sarah and Evee go to bed by seven?  Most nights.  Is it pretty?  Not on your life. 

This is a short compilation of how I deal with my little monsters.  It probably won’t be of any use to you if you have one too since they all have their own unique way of terrorizing/terrifying/horrifying their parents, but here it is anyways.